Parenting At Risk Youth

…They see a get together with everyone who is anyone: a chance to expand social horizons. They see a do or die social gathering; those who aren’t there socially die, those who are there are magically accepted. Plus, it is their time to have fun. This is their chance, and YOU are the only sentient being who would dare stand in their way.

…You see a raging teenage-monitored beer fest where anything and everything goes. You see a home with parents out of town and an opportunity for your teenager to be in all kinds of dangerous situations. Situations, to your frustration, that they seem to care less about protecting themselves from!

Mom & Dad, while you may never be on the same page with your teenager, or vice versa, there are practical things that you can do to influence your child and help your intervention be relevant to your teenager.

In my last blog I talked about how vital it is to find ways to show affection to your children, and I laid out some guidelines for that affection. Many of the parents that I work with complain that their attempts at affection go unnoticed, are taken out of context, or that they receive “the opposite” of affection back from their child…

Being relevant means that the affection, boundaries, and expectations that you have for your teenager are received and followed, not necessarily welcomed. The point here is that you and your teen are not going to see things eye to eye. Therefore it is impractical for you to make your affection and boundaries dependent on your child’s reactions in any form or fashion. Instead, bring your parenting in to the realm where they are eye to eye with it. The most affective way for me to communicate with my 3 year old is not to maintain a command presence from 3 feet above his head and speak down to him. It is to kneel down so that I am eye to eye with him. That is how he receives things best. Our parenting; our communication of our affection, our boundaries, and our expectations must be at eye level with the maturity of our children.

The three practical tools that you can use so that your intervention is relevant and eye to eye with the maturity of your child are to show affection every day, to consistently give negative consequences, and consistently give positive consequences. We have already talked about showing affection every day. Positive consequences are when we tell a child they can do something they want to do when a desired action or behavior is completed. For instance, your child is addicted to their video game system and the dishes you asked for them to do are still not completed. You could tell them that they can play their video game when the dishes are done. If they refuse, read our blog on “teaspots”. Chances are, if they know you will follow through and will actually take away the video game if they don’t do it, then they are going to do the dishes. Negative consequences are when you take away everything they want or care about for a short period of time. Again, Daniel and I have written previous blogs on this subject so I am not going to go in to detail about it.

If you are doing these three things: showing affection, dishing positive consequences out, and utilizing the giving of positive consequences, then you have the building blocks of your ability to influence your child’s behavior effectively. What will make your newfound abilities fail or succeed is the degree to which you are consistent in the following areas:

1. Do it all the time. Give affection as much as possible while still maintaining sincerity in your child’s eyes. Give Negative consequences every time they are warranted. Use positive consequences every time an opportunity to use them presents themselves.
2. Don’t Argue- When you are giving consequences, positive or negative, give them and be done. If your child wants to have a war over it, don’t engage them, walk away, and let them know CALMLY that the positive or negative consequence will not begin until they comply with your wishes.
3. Don’t Give Up. In other words, DON’T GIVE UP!!!!!

You will only have credibility with your child if you follow through every time. You will only begin to influence them if you go as far as you need to go to assert your control of every THING in your home. It will only work if enforcement and boundaries are asserted neck and neck with your affection

Stay tuned…..

Exhausted with you,

Paul