Parenting At Risk Youth

When we confront our strong-willed children about things they don’t like you can almost always expect a torrential flood of emotion to come spewing from them, and if you are not careful, it is easy to get swept away!  Using the idea of the flash flood… How productive do you think it would be if you were swept down a raging river to fight against the current.  Survival experts say it is better to relax so that you don’t become exhausted, place your feet out in front of you to protect yourself from harmful debris, and hope that you’re rescued.  While this might be valuable to know during the rainy season it should have nothing to do with the methods you are using to survive confrontations with your child.

The best way to ensure that you are never caught in a flash flood is to not be in its path when there is a risk of flash flood.  In the same way, the best way to avoid the fight that comes from the emotional spewings of a teenage temper tantrum is to take yourself out of the tantrums path.

When an argument is inevitable, when the hurricane argument warning flag is raised, when faces turn red, when tempers are rising, when that fight is coming that you know you must endure when you try to confront your child.  The moment that the first artillery shells of the “argument” are fired…… Walk away.   One of the most powerful things parents can know is that they have a choice whether to argue or not o argue.  If your child follows you like a heat seeking missile, nagging and provoking you towards the fight.  Warn them that there will be a short restriction if they continue, and WALK AWAY!

I have never met a parent who in the heat of an argument was able to convince their child that they were right or be convinced that their child is right, so what is the point of arguing?  There is no point.

Last night, in our Parent Project Class, we learned that there our five tips that parents should remember when they need to confront a strong-willed child, or any child for that matter:

1. Pick the right time- make sure you are calm enough to talk to your child and that your child is able to listen (They are sober, etc.)
2. Develop a plan or outline- Organize your thoughts, gather facts, predict outcomes, have a strategy for change
3. Choose a private, neutral location- Where is the best place for you AND your child to talk.
4. Get rid of interruptions- Make sure you are where there is the least chance of being distracted or interrupted.
5. Be ready for anything- Are you ready for anything? Prepare yourself in advance.

Knowing that you don’t have to argue, being willing to take a brief timeout for you and your child to “cool off,” and using ALL the tips above will set a new tone in your home when it is time to confront important issues!

Avoiding the flood with you,

Paul

…They see a get together with everyone who is anyone: a chance to expand social horizons. They see a do or die social gathering; those who aren’t there socially die, those who are there are magically accepted. Plus, it is their time to have fun. This is their chance, and YOU are the only sentient being who would dare stand in their way.

…You see a raging teenage-monitored beer fest where anything and everything goes. You see a home with parents out of town and an opportunity for your teenager to be in all kinds of dangerous situations. Situations, to your frustration, that they seem to care less about protecting themselves from!

Mom & Dad, while you may never be on the same page with your teenager, or vice versa, there are practical things that you can do to influence your child and help your intervention be relevant to your teenager.

In my last blog I talked about how vital it is to find ways to show affection to your children, and I laid out some guidelines for that affection. Many of the parents that I work with complain that their attempts at affection go unnoticed, are taken out of context, or that they receive “the opposite” of affection back from their child…

Being relevant means that the affection, boundaries, and expectations that you have for your teenager are received and followed, not necessarily welcomed. The point here is that you and your teen are not going to see things eye to eye. Therefore it is impractical for you to make your affection and boundaries dependent on your child’s reactions in any form or fashion. Instead, bring your parenting in to the realm where they are eye to eye with it. The most affective way for me to communicate with my 3 year old is not to maintain a command presence from 3 feet above his head and speak down to him. It is to kneel down so that I am eye to eye with him. That is how he receives things best. Our parenting; our communication of our affection, our boundaries, and our expectations must be at eye level with the maturity of our children.

The three practical tools that you can use so that your intervention is relevant and eye to eye with the maturity of your child are to show affection every day, to consistently give negative consequences, and consistently give positive consequences. We have already talked about showing affection every day. Positive consequences are when we tell a child they can do something they want to do when a desired action or behavior is completed. For instance, your child is addicted to their video game system and the dishes you asked for them to do are still not completed. You could tell them that they can play their video game when the dishes are done. If they refuse, read our blog on “teaspots”. Chances are, if they know you will follow through and will actually take away the video game if they don’t do it, then they are going to do the dishes. Negative consequences are when you take away everything they want or care about for a short period of time. Again, Daniel and I have written previous blogs on this subject so I am not going to go in to detail about it.

If you are doing these three things: showing affection, dishing positive consequences out, and utilizing the giving of positive consequences, then you have the building blocks of your ability to influence your child’s behavior effectively. What will make your newfound abilities fail or succeed is the degree to which you are consistent in the following areas:

1. Do it all the time. Give affection as much as possible while still maintaining sincerity in your child’s eyes. Give Negative consequences every time they are warranted. Use positive consequences every time an opportunity to use them presents themselves.
2. Don’t Argue- When you are giving consequences, positive or negative, give them and be done. If your child wants to have a war over it, don’t engage them, walk away, and let them know CALMLY that the positive or negative consequence will not begin until they comply with your wishes.
3. Don’t Give Up. In other words, DON’T GIVE UP!!!!!

You will only have credibility with your child if you follow through every time. You will only begin to influence them if you go as far as you need to go to assert your control of every THING in your home. It will only work if enforcement and boundaries are asserted neck and neck with your affection

Stay tuned…..

Exhausted with you,

Paul

When we want to build anything new, we have to make sure it is founded on sure footings.  For parents who may be trying to influence their strong-willed child to change positively, that sure footing is mandatory.  Without a sure footing, any work in your child’s life, any change you accomplish, and any progress you make is in jeopardy of coming tumbling down!  This last week , at our first of 10 Parent Project classes that Chris Suitt and I are teaching, we taught a group of brave parents how to lay that foundation.  We helped them take the first step towards revolutionizing their parenting approach to bring about positive change in their homes!

The first ingredient to  changing your home is love and affection.  It is my firm belief that the level of love and affecttion that we give a child at birth should be a starting place.  From there, the level of love and affection that we give our kids should steadily increase.  In other words, I believe our teenagers need just as much love, if not more, as they did when they were younger.  The problem is, the trend seems to be that as kids get older the love and affection they perceive decreases instead of increasing.  This means that as our teenagers are feeling more independent and starting to stretch towards adulthood, they might not be receiving affection , or perceiving affection from the place they need it most.  It also gets harder and harder for parents to continue showing affection because we all know how much our teenagers reciprocate and respond lovingly back to us.  Regardless of how are kids respond though, sincere love and affection that is consistently communicated to your teenager in a way they perceive, will give you tremendous leverage when the “winds of change” need to be in the air; and while the leverage that love and affection brings should never be the motive of our affection, the leverage becomes “icing on the cake”.

So how do we show love and affection consistently?  The most affective method is also the most “tried and true”.  Saying, “I love you,” every day, and saying it regardless of the gags, dirty looks, and “whatevers” you receive in return.  You can be as creative as you want.  The tangible ways that parents came-up with in our last class, ranged from cooking a favorite meal, to doing something with your teen that THEY like to do.  What can you come up with?

My next blog will deal with getting in to their heads and figuring out ways to perceive the world the way they do.

Until then, Take care!

Paul