“Good strokes for teenage folks”
Parents concentrate on having power sometimes when it should be their last priority. I was talking to a parent recently who shared with me that no matter what she did, how much she tried, or what trick she used, she couldn’t get her son to do what he wanted. I had a conversation with her son. He claimed that he might do “stuff” if he could do it right. He continued to explain that he doesn’t like to do anything for his mom because she always finds something wrong with everything that he ever does.
After mulling over what I had heard from both mom and son, I scheduled another meeting with her. It was at that meeting that I asked mom, “When is the last time you complimented your son about anything?” She thought for a second and her answer was very telling. She said, “My son knows that I love him.” I assured her that there was no need to get defensive (because she was) and that we would explore some ways to make sure that her love for her son is being communicated to him in a way that encourages him to make good choices.
As parents, we can’t assume to know how much love and support our kids are receiving. We can only make sure that their “tanks” are always topped-off. We can only ensure they have all the love and support that they need by giving it to them.
AFFECTION
As our children enter puberty they start experiencing things through an adolescent filter that helps them act impulsively, exaggerate reality, and think and act in absolutes. Chances are our teenagers need reminders that they are loved even more than they did as younger children. Parents need to make sure that they show affection regularly and that their affection is genuine. Teenagers will recognize a half hearted attempt or affection giving that simply rises to the level of flattery at best. Get creative as you come-up with ways to love your child and don’t expect anything back. Teenagers are extremely selfish and immature. It is on us, the parents, to give them a mature model of selfless love that they can attempt to emulate. When you show affection to your teenager, keeping their affection tanks “topped off” will increase your child’s self esteem and the level of trust that your child has for you, especially when you need to discipline your child.
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
When your child does anything good, praise them for it. Why? Because you want them to do it again! Many parents have a hard time with this advice until they try it. Our teenagers may act like they don’t care what we think; they may seem distant when we try to get close to them, but trust me, they will eat your praise up! Not only does this help them want to do the right thing, it helps them see the difference between making good choices and making the wrong choices.
When parents use a combination of positive reinforcement and affection to positively reinforce their teenager, they set a course for parental success. As part of a sound parenting plan, affection, and positive reinforcement can be the most important foundation that parents lay down for their child.