Parenting At Risk Youth

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic and choices” 

“Early one mornin’ while makin’ the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin’ .44 beneath my headGot up next mornin’ and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico”

These are the latest lyrics from rapper “fifty cent” and this song is probably playing on your child’s iPod right now. The question I have for you is: Are you o.k. with lyrics like these being pumped into your child’s brain? I would submit that you probably aren’t. So what can we do? I would suggest that you go find your child’s iPod or C.D., place it under the front tire of your car and drive forward and backwards as man times as it takes to “drive” home YOUR point. Let’s show our kids that despite our lack of reasons, despite our lack of really knowing anything about the music that our kids are passionate about. We are in charge.

O.K. so I lied- Those lyrics are not “50 cent” at all. In fact they were written by an American icon you might know of as “The Man in Black”. Yes Johnny Cash wrote those lyrics in a song called “Cocaine Blues”. So why did I get you all excited and on your high horse, ready to start breaking iPod’s and c.d’s. I wanted to make the point that there has, and will always be songs with questionable content. There is always going to be influential material out there waiting to impact your kid. Do we freak out and lose our point with a “because I said so” or do we take the time to form an opinion based on something real?

My parents in my opinion did almost everything right when it came to parenting my brother and I. The only area that I feel that they fell a little short was with music. In 4^th grade I was all about Guns n’ Roses and my mom forbade me to listen. All the 6^th graders were into it and of course I was intrigued. Even at that age the more my mom said no, the more I wanted to listen. In the 6^th grade it was Red Hot Chili Peppers and again I was not allowed to partake. I must have gotten lucky though, when I found a tape of “Blood,Sugar,Sex,Magic” down by the lake close to where I grew up. My friend and I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to listen. I still remember listening to the song “Under the bridge” for the first time. That must have been the “Magic” in the album title because I was blown away. That song meant more to me than any other song ever had. We proceeded to listen to that song a good 12 times that night. This album came out during the time when the Chili Peppers were all strung out on heroin and were not the positive people they are now. From the perspective of right and wrong I probably shouldn’t have been listening to them. They were not the right example for a kid to look to. But I knew that my mom didn’t have any reason other than what she saw in one awards speech for me not to listen. She didn’t know their music, she didn’t know that particular song and how amazing that it really was. I justified my behavior by telling my self that her reasons just weren’t good enough. I am a parent today and I still stand by how I felt then. We as parents need to realize that our kids have an inner desire to be passionate about something. Music will always be a part of that and if we take away that outlet we are in danger of shutting down the whole creative circuit. I am not saying that we should let our kids run wild with no boundaries.  I am all about saying “NO” (read my other blog entitled “NO”). But I feel that there are something’s in life that are worth explaining. If we do the whole “because I said so” thing and don’t have anything to back that up, we shut ourselves off from our kids on a very important level. My mom did the right thing and decided to grow with me as I grew, particularly in to middle school when it was all about Pearl

When parents argue with their teenagers, they decapitate their parental heads! I understand as a parent, the need to feel like you have the upper hand; the urge to feel like you can make your child listen. When teenagers become rebellious or defiant, when they are yelling, it is hard to resist the emotional surge inside that says, “Yell Back!” And isn’t it amazing how intuitive teenagers seem to be when it comes to finding that button to push that brings all your emotions, all at once!

As parents we have to understand that being right won’t affect your teenager in the heat of an argument. Try this: the next time you don’t give your child what they want and they start to fling emotional outbursts your way (like a monkey at the zoo flings pooh); calmly give them the logical explanation for your decision. I’m sure that will be all they need! I’m sure they will say, “I’m so sorry mom, I’m so sorry dad, if I had known that you had a logical reason behind not letting me have my way, I wouldn’t have gotten upset.” (Sarcasm in italics!)

Remember, the minute you say, “No!” you are intolerable and teenagers will begin the power play! (See Daniel Myre’s blog entitled “No!”) So when you begin to hold the line with your child you have to learn to cut the argument off right at its beginning. You do not have to argue with your child. Yes, I’m serious! Granted, it will take some mental preparation. You need to be prepared for all the “poo flinging” that is about to take place, you need to be prepared to use all the things in your house to influence your child and as tools to hold the line. You need to be willing to take everything your child cares about away, short-term, and simply state, “the way it is.” Here is an example: a son wants to have his girlfriend over to the house in the afternoon on a school day. (something huge in his mind, something he has been dwelling on, something he really wants) his mother says , “No.” It’s on!

You all know what happens next! The son blows-up and starts pushing every button he can find. He is gearing-up for war; he has all his artillery lined-up. He’s calling-in teenage emotional air-strikes! What in heaven’s name should you do in response?

Nothing. Again, yes I’m serious. We have to remember that our teenagers are extremely selfish. In addition they don’t have the emotional maturity to “give a rip” about a parent’s logic, and they definitely don’t have the foresight to see where your logic leads. So use this recipe to never argue again:

1. Clearly communicate all your house rules
2. When you make a decision for your child, or place a boundary in their life, simply state it.
3. If your child goes to war, walk away. Simply state that when they are ready to talk about it calmly you’ll be ready to talk. WALK AWAY, Make them come to you.
4. Dole-out appropriate consequences for any broken rules while they are in their tirade.
5. HOLD THE LINE!

In the previous blog, Reconnecting with Teenagers: Youth Perspectives, we just started to “scratch the surface” of all the factors that can distort our teenagers’ perspectives of reality. As a parent, how do you overcome this? First you have to be a wise communicator. A wise communicator takes in to consideration, all of the factors that might influence how well their message is going to be sent and how well it is going to be received. You wouldn’t take a porcelain doll, put it in box without any packing material, and send it regular mail without any instructions. The doll would be shattered when it reached its destination. The messages that we send our teenagers are just as precious and equally as fragile. They require special handling! I recommend that you pick a time when your child is the least distracted and the most awake. Open the dialogue with a calm non-confrontational manner. Simply state what you want to say, and give your child time to give appropriate feedback. If it is inappropriate, the conversation is over, don’t engage your child, you will not get what you want. The other key to this working is communicating this way a lot! If your child is used to discussing things instead of fighting over them, this can become the norm. Allowing your child to give you feedback also helps them take ownership of the conversation. You might try asking your child to give you possible solutions to the issue at hand, “Son, my job is to be a good parent and help you make wise decisions for the future…to keep you from making choices that might harm you in the future, when you ditched school, you put me in a position of having to decide what consequences are necessary to teach you that school is extremely important in life…what do you suggest I do?” While this is just an example, this calm approach, hand in hand, with a dialed in parenting plan (GO TO PARENT PROJECT.COM!) will eventually get you what you want! Parents have to keep their eye on the goal instead of the battle at hand. When parents care more about having the upper-hand in an argument, proving their child wrong, or having the louder voice, they render their credibility as a parent impotent in their child’s eyes. Don’t argue with your child, it solves nothing. The goal is to state what is, hold that line, and win the war no matter how tiring it might get!

I used to love going to Castle Park in Riverside California as a kid.  I would go and play miniature golf, play the newest video games, and ride the carnival rides.  I also remember these mirrors that they had that distorted reality.  Walking in front of one mirror, my reflection would change so that my body was huge and distorted looking.  Another mirror would give me a tiny head like Lurch from the Adam’s Family.  Remembering Castle Park has given me some ideas on how we as parent can better understand teenagers.  In that “quest” for understanding we have to understand how the teenage perspective changes and distorts reality just like those mirrors at Castle Park.

As I talk to the parents that I work with on a daily basis I am always reminding them of this phenomenon.  Parents will tell me, “I walked in to Johnny’s room and asked him to stop what he was doing and take out the trash, and he just blew-up at me!”  I have to remind parents of the analogy of the distorted mirror.  In earlier blogs, I’ve written about how many strikes there are against the teenage brain having rational thoughts

• They are drowning in hormone

• Their brains aren’t fully developed

• They have little or no real-life adult experience

• They have limited exposure to reality with all of its responsibilities

• Their bodies are telling them that they are adults regardless of the list above!

We all know that you’re usually out on strike three!  According to the above list, which could be a lot longer, we’re at strike 5!

When teenagers are awake, their world is awash in what is singularly important to them.  In their world, if they are on the phone, Myspace, alone in their room, listening to music, etc; whatever they are doing is automatically more important and bigger than anything you the parent are doing.   Now, add this selfish perspective to the pressure that they feel in having to perform for their friends, who youth also tend to make more important than their own families, add the pressures of performing at school, boy or girl troubles, and the pressure of preparing for the adult responsibilities that are bearing down on them like an out of control freight train.  All of these things add-up to that distorted perspective that I spoke of earlier.  While we can’t excuse our teenagers from any accountability when it comes to making the right choices, understanding how to relate to them through this muck of distortion can increase your ability to get what you really want; a teenager who safely navigates adolescence.

Before reading this post, make sure you have read, Teen Sex: Growing Healthy Teen Relationships

Right off the bat, much of the information, although in my own words, and using my own experiences, is from my training as a Parent Project Sr. Facilitator. As always I advise all parents to take the Parent Project course. It is offered nationwide and is sometimes free or has a nominal fee that is small. I cannot say enough about the value of the course. It will truly revolutionize the way all parents raise their teens! For more information or to find a class near you, go to www.parentproject.com.

Teenagers seem to have no concept of how relationships are supposed to progress. Like I mentioned in Part 1 of this post, many teenagers have no problem going to a party and “hooking-up” with someone they have just met. There are many variables that contribute to our teens choosing the relationships that they do. I am mainly going to deal with the levels of intimacy that a teenager needs to understand, but before we discuss that, lets talk about the two big “V’s”; Values and Value. Your teen needs to have value and have values. It is our responsibility as parents to teach our kids to have values and it is also our responsibility to monitor the health of our teenager’s self-perceived value. Do they perceive themselves as having enough value that they place a high expectation on those they choose to have relationships with? The value that they place on themselves also has a lot to do with the speed that they will allow relationships to progress at. For instance, a young lady that places low value on herself will let relationships progress to sexual intimacy too quickly because they might be afraid they’ll lose their partner and may not be worth enough to attract a new partner. The value that your teen places on him/herself is such an important topic that it will be the sole subject of future blogs. As far as teaching your child values, remember you first have to have values. See previous blogs on sexuality and dating to know how to draw this line in your life.

What should your child know about relationships and how do you establish a healthy perspective in their lives? It is important that we do three things. First, we need to educate ourselves about relationships. Parents, be willing to examine whether your relationship perspectives and choices are healthy by comparing your ideas to those who are experts in the field. Second, we must repetitively, openly, and bluntly talk to our kids about relationships. Finally we must create an atmosphere with our boundaries that supports what we have taught them.

Education

All of the following is based on Parent Project Curriculum. It is much more valuable to you if you learn it as part of the entire Parent Project Curriculum. According to authors, Ralph (Bud) Fry, Susan Mejia Johnson, Pete Melendez, and Dr. Roger Morgan, relationships begin when we make an acquaintance. Acquaintances can progress to Friendships, which can grow two people in to good friends. Good friends can sometimes become best friends, and rarely, best friends can turn in to romantic friends. Eventually, romantic friends can become an exclusive or engaged romantic couple, and after an appropriate period of time, introspection, and hopefully premarital counseling, a couple can become married & sexual partners. The authors present rules and appropriate levels of intimacy that determine each level of relationship.

I believe that these levels must progress in order for a relationship to be as healthy as possible. Teenagers tend to skip steps and they rarely, if ever, give each level the time that it needs to appropriately develop. As parents we must protect our teens and ensure that they go as slow as necessary at each step. Hopefully you are starting to see why self- perception/value is so important when it comes to our kids being wise about relationships. I am obviously giving you a summarized overview of the levels of intimacy, if you would like more resources, feel free to email me at: blog@atriskhope.com.

Communication

As I said earlier, we must communicate repetitively, openly, and bluntly with our kids about relationships. According to the authors of Parent Project listed above, one mom ended her conversation with her daughter about relationships by giving her four tips:

1. Think before you act. Be willing and able to live with the consequences of every decision you make
2. Balance emotion with logic. Always ask yourself, Is this the right choice for me and my future?
3. People move through relationships at different speeds. So, make sure you and your boyfriends are on the same page.
4. Speak honestly to your partner. And expect your partner to do the same.

It is important that you inject responsible values at each level as you communicate with your child.

Boundaries

If you see your child engaging in unhealthy relationships, rushing through or skipping levels of intimacy, or making poor choices in their relationships, it is imperative that you take action immediately. The first action taken should be determined by the severity of the potential choice that your child is making, and should go hand in hand with a well rounded, well defined, parenting plan in your home. If you don’t have this type of parenting plan in your home, go to www.parentproject.com , and get one! Some of the previous blogs that I have written also deal with boundaries. Go check them out, and as always, if you have any questions you can pose them as a comment in response to this blog or email me.

Holding the line with you,

Paul

Let’s face it, when our teenagers go through a normal day, they are bombarded by sexual messages constantly. Whether it be from advertising, their peers, or the content of the music and/or TV they watch and listen to. Messages about relationships are all over the place, but they seldom have proper context or accurately depict how relationships are built and especially how they progress. When a teenager is watching MTV and sees a commercial depicting a young man putting on a certain type of deodorant, and then being jumped by a bunch of “love” hungry girls, what message does that send them, and is it as innocent as many people assume. At the very least, does this type of depiction strengthen a healthy view of relationships in the teenage mind? What about the lyrics from the song Freaky Tales by Too Short, one of the most popular rap artists among teenagers today:

***WARNING*** The following lyrics are extremely explicit and should only be read by a mature audience, even though many teenagers know all of them by heart…

I met this girl, her name was joan
She loved the way I rocked the microphone
When I met joan, I took her home
She was just like a doggy all on my bone
I met another girl, her name was ann
All she wanted was to freak with a man
When I met ann, I soked her pans
We ended up freakin by garbage can
The next young freak I met was red
I took her to the house and she gave me head
She likes to freak was all she said
We jumped in the sheets and we broke my bed
Theres another girl, her name is mary
Talked about sex and the girl acted scary
I heard she was freakin for my homeboy jerry
Took her to the house and I popped that cherry
Young and tender, sweet denise
Get her in the bed and the girls a beast
I tell you, homeboy, if you get a piece
She only talks about signin a lease
I met this tender, her name was lori
And a x-rated movie wouldnt tell her story
She had a twinsister, her name was lisa
And just like lori, shes a real d*** pleaser
My girlfriends name was michelle, I freaked her well
Her p***y got hotter than flames in hell
I geed this girl, her name was tammy
I didnt wanna do it cause the b**** was flammy
She had a best friend, her name was jane
I pulled to the side and I spitted that game
I met a lot of freaks in my lifespine
Freaked one night with a girl named pam…

…and the trash continues but I think you get the point. As a little test I polled some of the kids I worked with. All of them knew who the artist was and named the above as his best song. I want to yell! I can’t help but wonder how much more this song is influencing teen relationships than parents themselves! As always, it is easy to talk about the problems with how teens perceive relationships , but what about the solutions? Teens are bypassing all the intermediate steps in relationship building and going straight from acquaintance to sexual partner at the expense of the rest of their lives. What are we going to do about it? We need to educate ourselves and take some simple steps to ensure that our kids make safe relationship choices. We all want our teens to be in healthy relationships. It is “on us” to show them how. In part II of this blog we will deal with possible solutions for parents and steps that parents can take to help these relationships come about…

Please read Preventing Teen Pregnancy Part II before reading further….

So what are reasonable dating standards?  I am going to give you some boundaries that your child will most likely think are totally unreasonable.  Your child is a child.  They aren’t mature enough to make adult decisions yet, so don’t let them.

The rule in my house is that, no one will go on a date without parents until they are at least 16 years old.  In addition, the parents that they go with must meet my wife and I, and agree with our dating values.  Otherwise, no date.

At 16, we will let our kids go on group dates.  (“group” means at least 2 other couples)They will be accountable for telling us the whole plan for their date, and we will be accountable for checking-up on them.  Again we are not trying to win a popularity contest with our children; we are trying to be responsible parents. (See Daniel Myre’s blog entitled “NO”)  Here are some general guidelines for making sure your child’s “date plan” is “fool” proof:

A.    Your Child’s potential date must have dinner at your house before your child ever goes out with them on a date.  You need to go over your dating expectations and rules after dinner.  If the date won’t do it, then they must not place much value in your child.

B.     Dates must be planned from beginning to end.

C.     There must be a clearly communicated understanding of what happens during “dead-time” on the date. (i.e. time between when dinner ends and a movie starts etc)

D.    Dates can only occur in public places.

E.     When a date is over, it is over.  Spare time at the end of a date is one of the times that kids are having sex (besides in the afternoons before their parents get home from work… another blog… another day)

F.      Once you know the dating plan, spot check your child’s plan.  Let them know you are checking sometimes (get caught on purpose, and don’t freak out if it wasn’t on purpose) and other times, make sure you don’t get caught.  But ALWAYS spot check.

G.    There are no exceptions; you might negotiate a curfew for the prom, etc., but NOT THE PLAN.

Please read Preventing Teen Pregnancy, Part 1 before reading further….

So what do we do to influence our teenager’s lives in a way that prevents teenage pregnancy?  It obviously is a combination of things.  What are your values?  Do your values, lifestyle, and choices support the choices you want your child to make?  Most of the parents we work with answer a resounding “no!”  Don’t lose hope, your teenager will attempt to hold your ability to parent hostage by blackmailing you with your past. Your first step in holding the line with your kids is to make one.  I don’t care if you had your son or daughter when you were 14, that was then and this is now:

“Son, that was then and this is now.  My past has nothing to do with the present.  I learned from my bad choices to make good ones.  I’m starting with the choice to be a good parent….”

Basically, take the argument away and don’t spend anymore time on it.  Another thing we all need to realize is that if we are currently engaging in behaviors that are modeling sexual irresponsibility, simple hiding your behavior from your child doesn’t work.  Your teenager is not that stupid.  We have to go the extra mile and model responsible behavior.  I think the successful launching of our teenagers in to adulthood is worth it.  Parenting can never be a successful in the context of selfishness. 

Once you have drawn the line, be ready to hold the line.  This must start with communication.  Be careful, this is not a time to open up about all the mistakes you have made in the past.  Your role as a parent is to state what you expect; to explain the value of following your standards and observing your boundaries.  Your job is to openly communicate your expectations regarding your child’s sexual life to them; blunt enough that they understand exactly where you stand.  Make sure that you set aside a time to have “the talk” with your child.  Make sure it is at a time and in a place where you will not be interrupted and where your teenager will not be distracted.  Your child may resist your attempt to talk about sex or be embarrassed to talk to you.  That is ok.  Do it anyways.  You wouldn’t let your child go drive a car without driver’s education.  Someone will educate your child about sex.  Do you want that someone to be you?

Part III of this topic will discuss sample boundaries and dating standards.

Many parents that I talk to are scared to death when it comes to their teenager’s sexuality.  I don’t blame them.  We can all identify with the idea of our children being as successful as possible and having children at a time when they are responsible enough to have a child.  Let me get something out of the way right off the bat!  Many of you may not agree with my stances on the following issues.  My question for you is this. Are you willing to challenge the logic behind your positions by comparing them to mine?

1. Sex Outside of Marriage: Against
2. Abortion: Against

If you are choosing to go your merry way right now because you think you know what is coming next, don’t let your closed mind, I mean the door, hit you on the way out.  Most people probably would assume from my two stances above, that I am going to make the moral argument, the religious fundamentalist conservative argument now, and beat you over the head with how bad you are.  Those same people that would assume that is my perspective are supposedly against stereotyping and pro dialogue….hmmmm…..  Are they really?  I believe that a person’s religious choice is theirs.  I believe that my relationship with God and the morals that come with it are my choice and not yours.  I believe that the issues that surround teenage sexuality can be made from a common sense perspective regardless of faith or lack of faith.

COMMON SENSE:

Babies will benefit the most from having parents that are able to provide a mature, stable loving environment for their children.

COMMON SENSE:

Preventing Pregnancy is the best way to prevent abortions.  According to most studies I’ve looked at, 95% of abortions occur because normal birth control methods were not used or failed.  Very few abortions occur because of rape or medical necessity.

COMMON SENSE:

            Abstinence is the only sure way to prevent pregnancy and prevent STD’s.

In the articles you have seen me write in the past, I am always talking about holding the line.  Many parents may be particularly frustrated when it comes to sexuality.  One of the most frustrating things for me as a parenting coach is when parents are willing to hold the line in other areas like drugs, grades, etc. but they don’t hold the line when it comes to sex.  Sex can be as destructive, if not more destructive, than other teenage behaviors we have discussed in the past.  A child with Herpes has an STD forever.  A child with a pregnancy loses their innocence and childhood forever.  One of the biggest emotional commitments that a person makes is when he/she makes the ultimate sexual connection with another person.  When a teenager makes that connection with someone who 99% of the time will not remain committed to them, it does damage.  I have seen that damage first hand.  I have seen young ladies and young men have their self esteem plummet as a result of sexual connection followed by relational disconnection.  Teenagers do not have the maturity to make the adult emotional commitment that must go hand-in-hand with the physical intimacy of sex.  Nor are they forward looking enough to see the potential negative ramifications of a sexual relationship.  Put simple and maybe too blunt.  They are horny, their sex drive is raging out of control and they want to “get some”.    With the potential damage that a sexual relationship can do to a teenager, it is our responsibility as a parent to protect our children, for the same reasons I won’t let my 3 year old drive on the freeway.  He is not ready.  He could potentially ruin his or someone else’s life.  He doesn’t have the experience to make wise decisions.  He is too young.  I believe marriage is the only sure sign that someone is ready to have sex.  In marriage, a person has made a life-long commitment.  They have vowed to make an emotional, relational, and physical commitment to another person.  They have vowed to protect the intimacy they have with another person and to keep it pure.  So what is a parent to do?  See part II of this blog for practical steps you can take!

If you haven’t read Part 1 of this blog it probably won’t make much sense.

Parents, in the last blog I mentioned that there are three behaviors that I have noticed amongst the parents of the teens I work with that thought “it could never happen to them”. Those behaviors fit parents in to three categories… “parents are missing the danger signs that signal the destructive behaviors I just listed, they know and aren’t doing anything about these behaviors, or they know about them and have no idea what to do about it.”

I also said that parents can… “rectify this situation and see tremendous change in your and your child’s life. It will take hard work, support and education!” In this blog we will concentrate on solutions in the area of hard work, support and education

HARD WORK

One of the reasons our program at Hope Learning Academy concentrates so heavily on parental support is because we understand how hard it is to be the parent of a normal teenager let alone an out of control teenager! I have lost count of the times that we have shared tears of anger or frustration with parents that are at their “wit’s end.” Unfortunately, when parents are tired, when they feel like they “just can’t take anymore” the only ready solution is to KEEP GOING. Parents that fail at this are parents who either don’t accept the support that is offered to them or don’t have any in the first place. We will talk about practical resources for getting support next, meanwhile, back to hard work. Parents have to decide that they have to “hold the line” because the alternative is to watch their child slip towards destruction in their life. I will never forget a conversation that I had with a parent who had “reached it.” We’ll call her Sue and her son Sam to protect their privacy. Sue had been frustrated, because having just recently completed a Parent Project course, she was trying to “hold the line” but was getting no support from her husband. His inaction was undermining any attempt by Sue to influence the behavior and hold the line with Sam. Sue called me and told me she was done. She was done waiting for her husband to step-up; she was done fighting the battle with her son every night. She was simply done. I listened and allowed Sue to vent before I quietly said, “Okay Sue, you’re done.” “We’ll let Sam go.” There was a stunned silence before I continued, “Sue, you either want your son to make it or not, are you ready to lose him because that is what is going to happen. If you won’t do this, who will?” That is what Sue needed to hear. Sue took a deep breath and said, “Then I need help Paul.” I was so proud of her, and committed all the resources our program could muster to support her. She held the line even though she was exhausted, even though she felt like giving-up. She was at a point where being at home was truly a living hell… she did it anyways. While I cannot guarantee that sticking it out will always have a great outcome, I have never seen a parent go all the way with their hard work and not see a positive outcome.

SUPPORT

As you can probably see, in order for a parent to be successful, hard work and support must go hand in hand. Without proper support, hard working “parenters” will “die on the vine” So where do parents get and give support? The internet is a great start. You already found this blog, so you are out looking. You could search for parents of teens support groups in your area. The most likely result of your search will be teenage parents, so search carefully. Below is a list of resources that you can look for in your community. Remember no good resource will do your job for you, nor can they. You are the parent. These resources will help empower you to be better at what you do:

1. Parent Project- The best parenting curriculum I have ever seen, and I’ve seen quite a few. Parent Project sets itself apart from the rest. It is practical, intense, does not reinvent the wheel or judge the parent, but systematically revolutionizes how parents apply strategies. Another thing that I really like about Parent Project is that the end result is placing parents in a support group. These support groups give parents a ready group of people that know the same curriculum and have been through similar circumstances
2. Church Groups – Most churches/parishes/temples have a youth group, which means most of them have youth, which means that most of them have youth leaders and parents of youth. Many parents that are having issues with their teenagers feel alone, and many figure that no one has had similar experiences. It is powerful to meet these other parents and learn you are not alone. If the youth leader at your church does not have a group of parents that are meeting, start one. You might talk to the head clergyman at your church and ask them for support or referral to resources.
3. Therapy- while most parents and teenagers that I work with are leery of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist, there are great ones out there who know how to bring about real change in your home. If your teen is engaging in life threatening behaviors, besides Emergency Medical Services, a health care professional should be your first stop.
4. School- Guidance counselors, teachers, and administrators usually know about resources that are available in their community. They are a great resource to find support.
5. Coaches, etc. Any adult that works with youth is likely to know about things that go on in the community that can help parents.
6. Law Enforcement- Many Law enforcement organizations know community resources that can assist parents. Youth Accountability Teams, Parenting workshops, COPS officers, Chaplains, and School resource officers are a great resource.

I am sure there are other resources that aren’t listed here. If you know of any, you can support other parents by commenting on this blog and listing those resources and contact information in your comment.

EDUCATION

I am probably preaching to the choir on this one. If you are reading this blog, you are looking to educate yourself already. Parent Project, again, is one of the best resources that I know of to educate yourself about parenting. There is also a second part to being educated about parenting. You must educate yourself about your child. As a student of your teenager you should know as much as possible about their habits, likes/dislikes, goals, dreams, weaknesses, etc. If you have not gone out of your way to learn everything that you can about your child, how will you recognize changes in their behavior that are danger signs that rebellious or dangerous behavior is going on.

The Mask…

In Part 1 of this blog I spoke of that well-crafted mask. Everything I have discussed with you today has to do with giving you tools and encouragement to get behind the masks that your child erects in front of their honest identity. There are two times in a life when the human brain takes a hormone bath. The first is in the womb when gender is defined and the embryo is signaled chemically to grow girl or boy parts. The second is when they go through puberty. Our teenagers are literally drowning in hormones, and to top it all off, their brains won’t be done developing until they are around 20-21 years old! With two strikes against them, we must ensure that there is no third strike, because then they’re out! We must take as long as necessary to see behind the mask, to learn the skills necessary and get the information that helps us recognize the masquerade. We must know our kids so well that they can’t hide. We must love them so much that the identity we see is their real identity and not a disguise. We must see behind the mask.

Looking behind the mask with you,

Paul

Now go be a parent!