Parenting At Risk Youth

Change can be a powerful force.  It can fill your pockets and buy your coffee (powerful in my book).  It can lead you to the presidency as your campaign slogan.  Change can be good or bad depending on where it is happening.  When it comes to parenting, change can be the biggest  threat to your parenting plan.  Let me explain…When we teach Parent Project, we help parents start at the foundational levels of parenting and build a plan for parenting that is practical and has been honed by literally, thousands of parents.  It just plain works!  The biggest threat to the success of the principals taught is when parents change the plan we spent 10 weeks helping them build and when parents change the level of consistency by which they follow through with the action steps that the program teaches.Here are some guarantees:1.  If you do not do what Parent Project teaches, it will not work.2.  If you do not follow through (even when it is tough) , it will not work.Many parents we have worked with in the past do really well with the program at first but as time goes on they begin to complain that “it” is not working anymore.  After we sit down with those parents we almost always find that they are utilizing some of the concepts taught but are not implementing some of the others.  EVERY concept is important because they all build on one another.Parents that are currently taking Parent Project:  I encourage you to review your manual constantly, after you have completed the course.  It takes mere minutes to skim the summary of each chapter.Parents that have completed Parent Project:  If it is not working, you have probably just lost your way a little bit (or maybe a lot)  Get your nose back in the book and figure out where you went wrong, if you need help, set up an appointment with Chris Suitt (951)244-2177 csuitt@hope4youtoday.com.Win the parenting battles, win the war, raise your teenagers!With You,Pastor Paul

I was listening to the Bill Handel show yesterday and was surprised at the way parents approach certain issues with their children.  On the show, Bill repsonded to a report on “Sexting” by basically saying that if his daughters are ever involved in the practice of sexting it would be “one time”… the implication being that he would come down so hard on them that they would never do it again.  Now, I  am a fan of Handel in the Morning, and I know Bill is entertaining the audience, and I know from listening to him for a long time that he loves his twin daughters as much as any father can, but his response is in line with most parents’ responses to this new technological epidemic.  I will stop them!!! The scary follow-up question is, “can you really?”Sexting is the practice of teenagers taking pornographic pictures of themselves or their friends and distributing those photos to others….a Felony in the state of California, a federal offence if the CHILD PORNOGRAPHY is distributed across state lines.  Once authorities are aware that the crime has been committed, it is fairly simple for them to work with cell phone companies to reconstruct how the pictures were distributed.So how would any of us stop a determined teenager from distributing pornographic pictures of themselves or others?  Take away their phone you say? They can use their friend’s phone, a digital camera, a web cam, or an other of the myriad of picture taking devices if they are determined enough.  While there are some ways to intervene technologically, there is no way to completely protect or prevent your child’s exposure to the sexting phenomenon.  So here is my advice:

1. Your child does not need the latest and greatest cell phone, get them a phone that is not capable of sending or receiving picture messages.
2. COMMUNICATE.  Make sure that you communicate your “house rules” and values.  Choose a neutral setting, where you and your child can really talk.  MAKE SURE YOU  LISTEN TOO… Make sure your child understands the legal implications of participating in “sexting”
3. Spot Check- Make sure that your child is where they say they are, with who they said they would be with.
4. Limit their non-directred time.  Teenagers are impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish animals, I mean people… (my mistake)  Give them enough idle time, and they will use it to serve their impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish wants and desires.
5. Check their phones regularly.  This is not an invasion of their privacy in my opinion, it is a reasonable condition of you trusting them with a peice of technology that YOU signed the contract for.  Don’t warn them ahead of time, and turn it off if they don’t give it to you on demand.

There are many other reasonable steps that parents can take and if you want to explore these “in-depth”,  I suggest that you take Parent Project and explore them in detail. Go be a parent! 

When we confront our strong-willed children about things they don’t like you can almost always expect a torrential flood of emotion to come spewing from them, and if you are not careful, it is easy to get swept away!  Using the idea of the flash flood… How productive do you think it would be if you were swept down a raging river to fight against the current.  Survival experts say it is better to relax so that you don’t become exhausted, place your feet out in front of you to protect yourself from harmful debris, and hope that you’re rescued.  While this might be valuable to know during the rainy season it should have nothing to do with the methods you are using to survive confrontations with your child.

The best way to ensure that you are never caught in a flash flood is to not be in its path when there is a risk of flash flood.  In the same way, the best way to avoid the fight that comes from the emotional spewings of a teenage temper tantrum is to take yourself out of the tantrums path.

When an argument is inevitable, when the hurricane argument warning flag is raised, when faces turn red, when tempers are rising, when that fight is coming that you know you must endure when you try to confront your child.  The moment that the first artillery shells of the “argument” are fired…… Walk away.   One of the most powerful things parents can know is that they have a choice whether to argue or not o argue.  If your child follows you like a heat seeking missile, nagging and provoking you towards the fight.  Warn them that there will be a short restriction if they continue, and WALK AWAY!

I have never met a parent who in the heat of an argument was able to convince their child that they were right or be convinced that their child is right, so what is the point of arguing?  There is no point.

Last night, in our Parent Project Class, we learned that there our five tips that parents should remember when they need to confront a strong-willed child, or any child for that matter:

1. Pick the right time- make sure you are calm enough to talk to your child and that your child is able to listen (They are sober, etc.)
2. Develop a plan or outline- Organize your thoughts, gather facts, predict outcomes, have a strategy for change
3. Choose a private, neutral location- Where is the best place for you AND your child to talk.
4. Get rid of interruptions- Make sure you are where there is the least chance of being distracted or interrupted.
5. Be ready for anything- Are you ready for anything? Prepare yourself in advance.

Knowing that you don’t have to argue, being willing to take a brief timeout for you and your child to “cool off,” and using ALL the tips above will set a new tone in your home when it is time to confront important issues!

Avoiding the flood with you,

Paul