Parenting At Risk Youth

I was listening to the Bill Handel show yesterday and was surprised at the way parents approach certain issues with their children.  On the show, Bill repsonded to a report on “Sexting” by basically saying that if his daughters are ever involved in the practice of sexting it would be “one time”… the implication being that he would come down so hard on them that they would never do it again.  Now, I  am a fan of Handel in the Morning, and I know Bill is entertaining the audience, and I know from listening to him for a long time that he loves his twin daughters as much as any father can, but his response is in line with most parents’ responses to this new technological epidemic.  I will stop them!!! The scary follow-up question is, “can you really?”Sexting is the practice of teenagers taking pornographic pictures of themselves or their friends and distributing those photos to others….a Felony in the state of California, a federal offence if the CHILD PORNOGRAPHY is distributed across state lines.  Once authorities are aware that the crime has been committed, it is fairly simple for them to work with cell phone companies to reconstruct how the pictures were distributed.So how would any of us stop a determined teenager from distributing pornographic pictures of themselves or others?  Take away their phone you say? They can use their friend’s phone, a digital camera, a web cam, or an other of the myriad of picture taking devices if they are determined enough.  While there are some ways to intervene technologically, there is no way to completely protect or prevent your child’s exposure to the sexting phenomenon.  So here is my advice:

1. Your child does not need the latest and greatest cell phone, get them a phone that is not capable of sending or receiving picture messages.
2. COMMUNICATE.  Make sure that you communicate your “house rules” and values.  Choose a neutral setting, where you and your child can really talk.  MAKE SURE YOU  LISTEN TOO… Make sure your child understands the legal implications of participating in “sexting”
3. Spot Check- Make sure that your child is where they say they are, with who they said they would be with.
4. Limit their non-directred time.  Teenagers are impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish animals, I mean people… (my mistake)  Give them enough idle time, and they will use it to serve their impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish wants and desires.
5. Check their phones regularly.  This is not an invasion of their privacy in my opinion, it is a reasonable condition of you trusting them with a peice of technology that YOU signed the contract for.  Don’t warn them ahead of time, and turn it off if they don’t give it to you on demand.

There are many other reasonable steps that parents can take and if you want to explore these “in-depth”,  I suggest that you take Parent Project and explore them in detail. Go be a parent! 

What is the world thinking???  What societal conditions lead to this?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,325508,00.html

In Pennsylvania, the headlines are hitting on the salacious  fact that pornographic images have been spread to an unknown number of people.  Too many people to count  have the images; one depicting a teenage girl and boy engaging in sex, and one with a teenage girl valuing and respecting herself so much, that she spread her own”Girl gone wild” image of her bare breast.  Everyone is focusing on the minutia of whether the holders of these images will be prosecuted.  The dramatic teases are revolving around what the consequences will be, instead of  what they sadly, already are.  If we focus on the criminal nature of this incident and not the underlying reasons that this incident occurred in the first place, then our focus earns our American culture a big fat “F” in “responsibility”

It is irresponsible for us not to look in our cultural mirror an find out why we are not devastated that teenagers are having this kind of sex in the first place.  There it is!  The statement that has just polarized my readers!  You are either yelling , “Right on!” Or “Kids will be kids!”  Some of you are imagining me a fundamental moralist nut-job because after all, these kids  are expressing real urges inside of themselves that we as a society should help them embrace and help them be healthy….sexually.  (Excuse me while I re-swallow my breakfast that almost came back-up due to the nausea that the above position causes.)   Some of you are shaking your head sadly…. You know I am speaking the truth but again are resigned to the belief that there is no solution…

Ok fellow human beings, let’s press the collective reset button.  There,  that is much better.  Now let’s rebuild the foundations behind our beliefs on teenage sexuality.

1.  As a society, we agree that my 3 year old son is not ready to drive.  His little mind does not make good decisions, he does not have enough life experience, he can not reach the pedals, can’t see over the dash-board, and has no concept of the consequences that his driving decisions might cause.

2.  There exists a figurative stairway that represents steps to intimacy.  It is important to take those stairs step by step.  Letting each step mature and ripen (as opposed to leaping to the top and “bonking” our brains out casually)

3.  We agree that our teenagers are not ready to ensure that they safely climb the steps of intimacy.  We agree they are impulsive and rush the stairs and trip and hurt themselves in the process.  Their brains are still not fully developed to make the best decisions, they do not have enough life experience, their brains cannot reach the right pedals, they can not yet see over life’s dashboard, and they have a very limited concept of what consequences their decisions might cause….  Hmmm, sounds like my 3 year old trying to drive.

4.  Our society agrees that it is my job as a dad to make sure that my son is not behind the wheel of the family Ford.

5.  Our society needs to take action on the fact that it is also a parent’s job to ensure that their teen is not at “the controls” and “driving” something entirely different.  (Pun wholeheartedly intended)

Teaching morality to our children in the United States has been polarized around the question of one’s faith- choice. That is ludicrous. Morality doesn’t have to be based on faith, it can be based on good  old common sense. (Do human’s have that?  Hmmm, we’re so advanced that we still solve problems with war, people still starve, kids still die of the runs,  wow we have no common sense.  Oh well, that’s a blog for another day)

So, let’s pretend we have common sense and actually teach our children to grow-up before they bonk.  Hmmm, even the porn industry calls them “adult movies”

Hey, would we need an HPV vaccine if people had sex responsibly?  Sorry, again another blog for another day.

Parents step-up! Humans, let’s fight for the health of our children by being examples, by being responsible parents, and by truly taking control of influencing our children with all the tools and power we have in their lives.

Hey teenagers in Pennsylvania who are bonking out of control.  What you were doing was wrong.  Wow, how unbelievably “not-politically-correct” of me .  Hey those who are distributing the pictures, you are wrong too, but you never should have had a video to take in the first place.

Parents if you want to know how to fix this, call me up or respond to this blog.  I don’t vent without having solutions

Love,

Pastor Paul

Parents concentrate on having power sometimes when it should be their last priority.  I was talking to a parent recently who shared with me that no matter what she did, how much she tried, or what trick she used, she couldn’t get her son to do what he wanted.  I had a conversation with her son.  He claimed that he might do “stuff” if he could do it right.  He continued to explain that he doesn’t like to do anything for his mom because she always finds something wrong with everything that he ever does.

After mulling over what I had heard from both mom and son, I scheduled another meeting with her.  It was at that meeting that I asked mom, “When is the last time you complimented your son about anything?”  She thought for a second and her answer was very telling. She said, “My son knows that I love him.”  I assured her that there was no need to get defensive (because she was) and that we would explore some ways to make sure that her love for her son is being communicated to him in a way that encourages him to make good choices.

As parents, we can’t assume to know how much love and support our kids are receiving.  We can only make sure that their “tanks” are always topped-off.  We can only ensure they have all the love and support that they need by giving it to them.

AFFECTION

As our children enter puberty they start experiencing things through an adolescent filter that helps them act impulsively, exaggerate reality, and think and act in absolutes.  Chances are our teenagers need reminders that they are loved even more than they did as younger children.  Parents need to make sure that they show affection regularly and that their affection is genuine.  Teenagers will recognize a half hearted attempt or affection giving that simply rises to the level of flattery at best.  Get creative as you come-up with ways to love your child and don’t expect anything back.  Teenagers are extremely selfish and immature.  It is on us, the parents, to give them a mature model of selfless love that they can attempt to emulate.  When you show affection to your teenager, keeping their affection tanks “topped off” will increase your child’s self esteem and the level of trust that your child has for you, especially when you need to discipline your child.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

When your child does anything good, praise them for it.  Why? Because you want them to do it again!  Many parents have a hard time with this advice until they try it.  Our teenagers may act like they don’t care what we think; they may seem distant when we try to get close to them, but trust me, they will eat your praise up!  Not only does this help them want to do the right thing, it helps them see the difference between making good choices and making the wrong choices.

When parents use a combination of positive reinforcement and affection to positively reinforce their teenager, they set a course for parental success.  As part of a sound parenting plan, affection, and positive reinforcement can be the most important foundation that parents lay down for their child.

Before reading this post, make sure you have read, Teen Sex: Growing Healthy Teen Relationships

Right off the bat, much of the information, although in my own words, and using my own experiences, is from my training as a Parent Project Sr. Facilitator. As always I advise all parents to take the Parent Project course. It is offered nationwide and is sometimes free or has a nominal fee that is small. I cannot say enough about the value of the course. It will truly revolutionize the way all parents raise their teens! For more information or to find a class near you, go to www.parentproject.com.

Teenagers seem to have no concept of how relationships are supposed to progress. Like I mentioned in Part 1 of this post, many teenagers have no problem going to a party and “hooking-up” with someone they have just met. There are many variables that contribute to our teens choosing the relationships that they do. I am mainly going to deal with the levels of intimacy that a teenager needs to understand, but before we discuss that, lets talk about the two big “V’s”; Values and Value. Your teen needs to have value and have values. It is our responsibility as parents to teach our kids to have values and it is also our responsibility to monitor the health of our teenager’s self-perceived value. Do they perceive themselves as having enough value that they place a high expectation on those they choose to have relationships with? The value that they place on themselves also has a lot to do with the speed that they will allow relationships to progress at. For instance, a young lady that places low value on herself will let relationships progress to sexual intimacy too quickly because they might be afraid they’ll lose their partner and may not be worth enough to attract a new partner. The value that your teen places on him/herself is such an important topic that it will be the sole subject of future blogs. As far as teaching your child values, remember you first have to have values. See previous blogs on sexuality and dating to know how to draw this line in your life.

What should your child know about relationships and how do you establish a healthy perspective in their lives? It is important that we do three things. First, we need to educate ourselves about relationships. Parents, be willing to examine whether your relationship perspectives and choices are healthy by comparing your ideas to those who are experts in the field. Second, we must repetitively, openly, and bluntly talk to our kids about relationships. Finally we must create an atmosphere with our boundaries that supports what we have taught them.

Education

All of the following is based on Parent Project Curriculum. It is much more valuable to you if you learn it as part of the entire Parent Project Curriculum. According to authors, Ralph (Bud) Fry, Susan Mejia Johnson, Pete Melendez, and Dr. Roger Morgan, relationships begin when we make an acquaintance. Acquaintances can progress to Friendships, which can grow two people in to good friends. Good friends can sometimes become best friends, and rarely, best friends can turn in to romantic friends. Eventually, romantic friends can become an exclusive or engaged romantic couple, and after an appropriate period of time, introspection, and hopefully premarital counseling, a couple can become married & sexual partners. The authors present rules and appropriate levels of intimacy that determine each level of relationship.

I believe that these levels must progress in order for a relationship to be as healthy as possible. Teenagers tend to skip steps and they rarely, if ever, give each level the time that it needs to appropriately develop. As parents we must protect our teens and ensure that they go as slow as necessary at each step. Hopefully you are starting to see why self- perception/value is so important when it comes to our kids being wise about relationships. I am obviously giving you a summarized overview of the levels of intimacy, if you would like more resources, feel free to email me at: blog@atriskhope.com.

Communication

As I said earlier, we must communicate repetitively, openly, and bluntly with our kids about relationships. According to the authors of Parent Project listed above, one mom ended her conversation with her daughter about relationships by giving her four tips:

1. Think before you act. Be willing and able to live with the consequences of every decision you make
2. Balance emotion with logic. Always ask yourself, Is this the right choice for me and my future?
3. People move through relationships at different speeds. So, make sure you and your boyfriends are on the same page.
4. Speak honestly to your partner. And expect your partner to do the same.

It is important that you inject responsible values at each level as you communicate with your child.

Boundaries

If you see your child engaging in unhealthy relationships, rushing through or skipping levels of intimacy, or making poor choices in their relationships, it is imperative that you take action immediately. The first action taken should be determined by the severity of the potential choice that your child is making, and should go hand in hand with a well rounded, well defined, parenting plan in your home. If you don’t have this type of parenting plan in your home, go to www.parentproject.com , and get one! Some of the previous blogs that I have written also deal with boundaries. Go check them out, and as always, if you have any questions you can pose them as a comment in response to this blog or email me.

Holding the line with you,

Paul