Parenting At Risk Youth

I have been drug testing our students regularly since Hope Learning Academy’s inception.  Like everything in the realm of at-risk youth intervention, my approach to drug testing has had to be flexible enough to change with the times.  For instance,  when we began drug testing we did not test for MDMA (Ecstasy), now I would not use a testing method that lack MDMA screening.  This blog is written for all those parents, who like our staff, understand the value of holding youth accountable through consistent drug testing.When you look for a good drug test there are several factors that should be considered.  I like the tests that cover a 7-10 day time period which means I use urine screening.  A good urine test will limit my exposure to bodily fluids, test for as many substances as possible, and protect our budget.  Our program has recently switched from a more expensive test to the 12-Panel Key Operated Cup We get this test from Robert Wiktop at Drug Test Systems. We bought a batch of the tests and were happy with their performance, as well as the professionalism of Mr Wiktop.  I had a question and Mr. Wiktop responded promptly and was not just a salesman.  He was very knowledgeable about drug screening.  The 12-panel test he sold me features a completely closed system.  You never have to dip cards in to the donor’s urine or come in contact with it at all.  The person being screened simply urinates in the cup and then places the lid on the top.  The lid screws on and stays tight.  The only time I ever come in contact with the urine is if I suspect that the person being tested is trying to “beat the test” through any of the various known methods for fooling drug tests.  If I suspect adulteration we are using another product widely available from various drug test suppliers that when dipped in the specimen, will reveal adulteration in about 4 minutes.  For more on these test strips go here.  The other feature I like with the 12 panel test I am using is the timing key.  Urine does not actually enter the testing bay until a provided key is pushed in to the side of the cup, so the tester remains in total control of the timing of the test.  This test also fits our budget, the tests are the best value I have found.  We sell these tests to the parents we work with at our costs and that usually saves them 75% compared to what they will find at your corner drug store and usually tests for 4 times the substances.  The 12 panel test test from Drug Systems.com gets my vote as one of the best drug test available to parents today, when it comes to cost, ease of use, and effectiveness, this test is a great option, and my hat goes off to the folks at Drug Tests Systems for their excellent customer service.

Change can be a powerful force.  It can fill your pockets and buy your coffee (powerful in my book).  It can lead you to the presidency as your campaign slogan.  Change can be good or bad depending on where it is happening.  When it comes to parenting, change can be the biggest  threat to your parenting plan.  Let me explain…When we teach Parent Project, we help parents start at the foundational levels of parenting and build a plan for parenting that is practical and has been honed by literally, thousands of parents.  It just plain works!  The biggest threat to the success of the principals taught is when parents change the plan we spent 10 weeks helping them build and when parents change the level of consistency by which they follow through with the action steps that the program teaches.Here are some guarantees:1.  If you do not do what Parent Project teaches, it will not work.2.  If you do not follow through (even when it is tough) , it will not work.Many parents we have worked with in the past do really well with the program at first but as time goes on they begin to complain that “it” is not working anymore.  After we sit down with those parents we almost always find that they are utilizing some of the concepts taught but are not implementing some of the others.  EVERY concept is important because they all build on one another.Parents that are currently taking Parent Project:  I encourage you to review your manual constantly, after you have completed the course.  It takes mere minutes to skim the summary of each chapter.Parents that have completed Parent Project:  If it is not working, you have probably just lost your way a little bit (or maybe a lot)  Get your nose back in the book and figure out where you went wrong, if you need help, set up an appointment with Chris Suitt (951)244-2177 csuitt@hope4youtoday.com.Win the parenting battles, win the war, raise your teenagers!With You,Pastor Paul

I was listening to the Bill Handel show yesterday and was surprised at the way parents approach certain issues with their children.  On the show, Bill repsonded to a report on “Sexting” by basically saying that if his daughters are ever involved in the practice of sexting it would be “one time”… the implication being that he would come down so hard on them that they would never do it again.  Now, I  am a fan of Handel in the Morning, and I know Bill is entertaining the audience, and I know from listening to him for a long time that he loves his twin daughters as much as any father can, but his response is in line with most parents’ responses to this new technological epidemic.  I will stop them!!! The scary follow-up question is, “can you really?”Sexting is the practice of teenagers taking pornographic pictures of themselves or their friends and distributing those photos to others….a Felony in the state of California, a federal offence if the CHILD PORNOGRAPHY is distributed across state lines.  Once authorities are aware that the crime has been committed, it is fairly simple for them to work with cell phone companies to reconstruct how the pictures were distributed.So how would any of us stop a determined teenager from distributing pornographic pictures of themselves or others?  Take away their phone you say? They can use their friend’s phone, a digital camera, a web cam, or an other of the myriad of picture taking devices if they are determined enough.  While there are some ways to intervene technologically, there is no way to completely protect or prevent your child’s exposure to the sexting phenomenon.  So here is my advice:

1. Your child does not need the latest and greatest cell phone, get them a phone that is not capable of sending or receiving picture messages.
2. COMMUNICATE.  Make sure that you communicate your “house rules” and values.  Choose a neutral setting, where you and your child can really talk.  MAKE SURE YOU  LISTEN TOO… Make sure your child understands the legal implications of participating in “sexting”
3. Spot Check- Make sure that your child is where they say they are, with who they said they would be with.
4. Limit their non-directred time.  Teenagers are impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish animals, I mean people… (my mistake)  Give them enough idle time, and they will use it to serve their impulsive, emotional, short-sighted, selfish wants and desires.
5. Check their phones regularly.  This is not an invasion of their privacy in my opinion, it is a reasonable condition of you trusting them with a peice of technology that YOU signed the contract for.  Don’t warn them ahead of time, and turn it off if they don’t give it to you on demand.

There are many other reasonable steps that parents can take and if you want to explore these “in-depth”,  I suggest that you take Parent Project and explore them in detail. Go be a parent! 

Insane

In*sane”\, a. [L. insanus. See In- not, and Sane.]

1. Exhibiting unsoundness or disorded of mind; not sane; mad; deranged in mind; delirious; distracted. See Insanity, 2.

2. Used by, or appropriated to, insane persons; as, an insane hospital.

3. Causing insanity or madness. [R.]

4. Characterized by insanity or the utmost folly; chimerical; unpractical; as, an insane plan, attempt, etc.

Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.  

Insane is the word that a parent used when talking to me earlier today as she described how she felt dealing with her out of control son. As I write this, he is somwhere in our local community, mostl likely in a vacant house with some other “runaway” friends.  One house that I searched earlier today, that they had been in” was full of beer cans and other evidence that a party had ensued there recently.  Where does a parent go for hope, especially when she feels so alone? I share this story because this marks the first night of our next Parent Project class.  For the next ten weeks, I will be spending my Wednesday evenings with parents who need help.  To you parents who are in the trencehes I say:

1. I am so proud of you for first of all, being in the trenches!
2. Hang in there, as we say in class, remember, you are parenting for the LONG HAUL.  
3. It will probably get worse (like any war) before it get’s better.  DON’T GIVE-UP!!! 

Those of you in Chris and my new class have taken the first courageous step towards influencing your out of control teen towards recovery and bringing peace back to your home.  Some of you may be literally saving your teen’s life.  Tonight…it begins to stop.  Tonight… it starts to get better.  You are now one less day from seeing positive change…. In the Trenches With YOU!!!! Pastor Paul  

When we confront our strong-willed children about things they don’t like you can almost always expect a torrential flood of emotion to come spewing from them, and if you are not careful, it is easy to get swept away!  Using the idea of the flash flood… How productive do you think it would be if you were swept down a raging river to fight against the current.  Survival experts say it is better to relax so that you don’t become exhausted, place your feet out in front of you to protect yourself from harmful debris, and hope that you’re rescued.  While this might be valuable to know during the rainy season it should have nothing to do with the methods you are using to survive confrontations with your child.

The best way to ensure that you are never caught in a flash flood is to not be in its path when there is a risk of flash flood.  In the same way, the best way to avoid the fight that comes from the emotional spewings of a teenage temper tantrum is to take yourself out of the tantrums path.

When an argument is inevitable, when the hurricane argument warning flag is raised, when faces turn red, when tempers are rising, when that fight is coming that you know you must endure when you try to confront your child.  The moment that the first artillery shells of the “argument” are fired…… Walk away.   One of the most powerful things parents can know is that they have a choice whether to argue or not o argue.  If your child follows you like a heat seeking missile, nagging and provoking you towards the fight.  Warn them that there will be a short restriction if they continue, and WALK AWAY!

I have never met a parent who in the heat of an argument was able to convince their child that they were right or be convinced that their child is right, so what is the point of arguing?  There is no point.

Last night, in our Parent Project Class, we learned that there our five tips that parents should remember when they need to confront a strong-willed child, or any child for that matter:

1. Pick the right time- make sure you are calm enough to talk to your child and that your child is able to listen (They are sober, etc.)
2. Develop a plan or outline- Organize your thoughts, gather facts, predict outcomes, have a strategy for change
3. Choose a private, neutral location- Where is the best place for you AND your child to talk.
4. Get rid of interruptions- Make sure you are where there is the least chance of being distracted or interrupted.
5. Be ready for anything- Are you ready for anything? Prepare yourself in advance.

Knowing that you don’t have to argue, being willing to take a brief timeout for you and your child to “cool off,” and using ALL the tips above will set a new tone in your home when it is time to confront important issues!

Avoiding the flood with you,

Paul

…They see a get together with everyone who is anyone: a chance to expand social horizons. They see a do or die social gathering; those who aren’t there socially die, those who are there are magically accepted. Plus, it is their time to have fun. This is their chance, and YOU are the only sentient being who would dare stand in their way.

…You see a raging teenage-monitored beer fest where anything and everything goes. You see a home with parents out of town and an opportunity for your teenager to be in all kinds of dangerous situations. Situations, to your frustration, that they seem to care less about protecting themselves from!

Mom & Dad, while you may never be on the same page with your teenager, or vice versa, there are practical things that you can do to influence your child and help your intervention be relevant to your teenager.

In my last blog I talked about how vital it is to find ways to show affection to your children, and I laid out some guidelines for that affection. Many of the parents that I work with complain that their attempts at affection go unnoticed, are taken out of context, or that they receive “the opposite” of affection back from their child…

Being relevant means that the affection, boundaries, and expectations that you have for your teenager are received and followed, not necessarily welcomed. The point here is that you and your teen are not going to see things eye to eye. Therefore it is impractical for you to make your affection and boundaries dependent on your child’s reactions in any form or fashion. Instead, bring your parenting in to the realm where they are eye to eye with it. The most affective way for me to communicate with my 3 year old is not to maintain a command presence from 3 feet above his head and speak down to him. It is to kneel down so that I am eye to eye with him. That is how he receives things best. Our parenting; our communication of our affection, our boundaries, and our expectations must be at eye level with the maturity of our children.

The three practical tools that you can use so that your intervention is relevant and eye to eye with the maturity of your child are to show affection every day, to consistently give negative consequences, and consistently give positive consequences. We have already talked about showing affection every day. Positive consequences are when we tell a child they can do something they want to do when a desired action or behavior is completed. For instance, your child is addicted to their video game system and the dishes you asked for them to do are still not completed. You could tell them that they can play their video game when the dishes are done. If they refuse, read our blog on “teaspots”. Chances are, if they know you will follow through and will actually take away the video game if they don’t do it, then they are going to do the dishes. Negative consequences are when you take away everything they want or care about for a short period of time. Again, Daniel and I have written previous blogs on this subject so I am not going to go in to detail about it.

If you are doing these three things: showing affection, dishing positive consequences out, and utilizing the giving of positive consequences, then you have the building blocks of your ability to influence your child’s behavior effectively. What will make your newfound abilities fail or succeed is the degree to which you are consistent in the following areas:

1. Do it all the time. Give affection as much as possible while still maintaining sincerity in your child’s eyes. Give Negative consequences every time they are warranted. Use positive consequences every time an opportunity to use them presents themselves.
2. Don’t Argue- When you are giving consequences, positive or negative, give them and be done. If your child wants to have a war over it, don’t engage them, walk away, and let them know CALMLY that the positive or negative consequence will not begin until they comply with your wishes.
3. Don’t Give Up. In other words, DON’T GIVE UP!!!!!

You will only have credibility with your child if you follow through every time. You will only begin to influence them if you go as far as you need to go to assert your control of every THING in your home. It will only work if enforcement and boundaries are asserted neck and neck with your affection

Stay tuned…..

Exhausted with you,

Paul

When we want to build anything new, we have to make sure it is founded on sure footings.  For parents who may be trying to influence their strong-willed child to change positively, that sure footing is mandatory.  Without a sure footing, any work in your child’s life, any change you accomplish, and any progress you make is in jeopardy of coming tumbling down!  This last week , at our first of 10 Parent Project classes that Chris Suitt and I are teaching, we taught a group of brave parents how to lay that foundation.  We helped them take the first step towards revolutionizing their parenting approach to bring about positive change in their homes!

The first ingredient to  changing your home is love and affection.  It is my firm belief that the level of love and affecttion that we give a child at birth should be a starting place.  From there, the level of love and affection that we give our kids should steadily increase.  In other words, I believe our teenagers need just as much love, if not more, as they did when they were younger.  The problem is, the trend seems to be that as kids get older the love and affection they perceive decreases instead of increasing.  This means that as our teenagers are feeling more independent and starting to stretch towards adulthood, they might not be receiving affection , or perceiving affection from the place they need it most.  It also gets harder and harder for parents to continue showing affection because we all know how much our teenagers reciprocate and respond lovingly back to us.  Regardless of how are kids respond though, sincere love and affection that is consistently communicated to your teenager in a way they perceive, will give you tremendous leverage when the “winds of change” need to be in the air; and while the leverage that love and affection brings should never be the motive of our affection, the leverage becomes “icing on the cake”.

So how do we show love and affection consistently?  The most affective method is also the most “tried and true”.  Saying, “I love you,” every day, and saying it regardless of the gags, dirty looks, and “whatevers” you receive in return.  You can be as creative as you want.  The tangible ways that parents came-up with in our last class, ranged from cooking a favorite meal, to doing something with your teen that THEY like to do.  What can you come up with?

My next blog will deal with getting in to their heads and figuring out ways to perceive the world the way they do.

Until then, Take care!

Paul

What is the world thinking???  What societal conditions lead to this?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,325508,00.html

In Pennsylvania, the headlines are hitting on the salacious  fact that pornographic images have been spread to an unknown number of people.  Too many people to count  have the images; one depicting a teenage girl and boy engaging in sex, and one with a teenage girl valuing and respecting herself so much, that she spread her own”Girl gone wild” image of her bare breast.  Everyone is focusing on the minutia of whether the holders of these images will be prosecuted.  The dramatic teases are revolving around what the consequences will be, instead of  what they sadly, already are.  If we focus on the criminal nature of this incident and not the underlying reasons that this incident occurred in the first place, then our focus earns our American culture a big fat “F” in “responsibility”

It is irresponsible for us not to look in our cultural mirror an find out why we are not devastated that teenagers are having this kind of sex in the first place.  There it is!  The statement that has just polarized my readers!  You are either yelling , “Right on!” Or “Kids will be kids!”  Some of you are imagining me a fundamental moralist nut-job because after all, these kids  are expressing real urges inside of themselves that we as a society should help them embrace and help them be healthy….sexually.  (Excuse me while I re-swallow my breakfast that almost came back-up due to the nausea that the above position causes.)   Some of you are shaking your head sadly…. You know I am speaking the truth but again are resigned to the belief that there is no solution…

Ok fellow human beings, let’s press the collective reset button.  There,  that is much better.  Now let’s rebuild the foundations behind our beliefs on teenage sexuality.

1.  As a society, we agree that my 3 year old son is not ready to drive.  His little mind does not make good decisions, he does not have enough life experience, he can not reach the pedals, can’t see over the dash-board, and has no concept of the consequences that his driving decisions might cause.

2.  There exists a figurative stairway that represents steps to intimacy.  It is important to take those stairs step by step.  Letting each step mature and ripen (as opposed to leaping to the top and “bonking” our brains out casually)

3.  We agree that our teenagers are not ready to ensure that they safely climb the steps of intimacy.  We agree they are impulsive and rush the stairs and trip and hurt themselves in the process.  Their brains are still not fully developed to make the best decisions, they do not have enough life experience, their brains cannot reach the right pedals, they can not yet see over life’s dashboard, and they have a very limited concept of what consequences their decisions might cause….  Hmmm, sounds like my 3 year old trying to drive.

4.  Our society agrees that it is my job as a dad to make sure that my son is not behind the wheel of the family Ford.

5.  Our society needs to take action on the fact that it is also a parent’s job to ensure that their teen is not at “the controls” and “driving” something entirely different.  (Pun wholeheartedly intended)

Teaching morality to our children in the United States has been polarized around the question of one’s faith- choice. That is ludicrous. Morality doesn’t have to be based on faith, it can be based on good  old common sense. (Do human’s have that?  Hmmm, we’re so advanced that we still solve problems with war, people still starve, kids still die of the runs,  wow we have no common sense.  Oh well, that’s a blog for another day)

So, let’s pretend we have common sense and actually teach our children to grow-up before they bonk.  Hmmm, even the porn industry calls them “adult movies”

Hey, would we need an HPV vaccine if people had sex responsibly?  Sorry, again another blog for another day.

Parents step-up! Humans, let’s fight for the health of our children by being examples, by being responsible parents, and by truly taking control of influencing our children with all the tools and power we have in their lives.

Hey teenagers in Pennsylvania who are bonking out of control.  What you were doing was wrong.  Wow, how unbelievably “not-politically-correct” of me .  Hey those who are distributing the pictures, you are wrong too, but you never should have had a video to take in the first place.

Parents if you want to know how to fix this, call me up or respond to this blog.  I don’t vent without having solutions

Love,

Pastor Paul

The most common of abused illicit drugs Marijuana comes in many grades that are given street designations based on quality. For instance around here, your standard good street weed is called chronic and you low grade stuff is called slag or shwag.

DETECTION:

EYES: (Usually normal, Possibly slightly Dilated, Will look red and irritated. Kids use Visine to correct this.)Holding your index finger upright approx. 6 inches from you child’s nose, ask them to track your finger with their eyes, without moving their head. watch their eyes for smooth movements. If your child’s eyes bounce, do not track smoothly or together they might be on “stoned”. You can also try putting their eyes under indirect light. If their pupils seem to be “breathing” they have almost most definitely been smoking weed in the last 24 hours.

PULSE/BLOOD PRESSURE: Abnormally High (Normal Pulse 60-90 BPM, Normal Respiration 12-20 Per Min.)

BODY TEMPERATURE: Near Normal

Other signs:

Body Tremors, Debris in Mouth, Sweet yet pungent odor, Relaxed inhibitions, Impaired Time Perception (A good tool is to make them close their eyes and estimate 30 seconds. If they are more than 8 seconds off their is a good chance that they are under the influence), Impaired distance perception, Inability to Cross Eyes.

If these signs are present it is time to use a secondary method of detection to be sure. False Positives and negatives will occur if you just rely on the above effects and can damage your credibility with your child. We use the iCup 10-panel urine Test available from Test Country.com

I always teach the parents that I coach to make sure that they are using all their senses when it comes to monitoring whether their teenager is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. First and foremost, give your child a hug when they come in from a night out on the town. A hug is a great time to smell their clothes and breath, to get a good look at their eyes, to do a close-up “parental” inventory of your child. Make sure you take special care to notice cover-ups like mints in the mouth heavy perfume/cologne, and clothing that has been changed. You can also smell their hands etc. The moment they walk in the door you can start looking for clues as to their sobriety. Make sure you engage them in a conversation that is long enough to know whether they have their faculties or not. When these preliminary checks are not enough though, parents need to have some more tools in their arsenal. I am using this blog to introduce the next 7 blogs here I will give basic information for detecting 7 of the most widely abused illicit drugs. As always, it is one thing to be able to detect substance abuse, it is another thing to have a plan in place that will successfully intervene in your child’s life if they are “using.” Make sure that you have an overall parenting plan that is airtight. If you are not sure that yours is, and very few people are, you need to find a parenting class. There is no better parenting curriculum than Parent Project. I have used many parenting systems and have not seen one that is better. go to www.parentproject.com for more information.