Parenting At Risk Youth

When we confront our strong-willed children about things they don’t like you can almost always expect a torrential flood of emotion to come spewing from them, and if you are not careful, it is easy to get swept away!  Using the idea of the flash flood… How productive do you think it would be if you were swept down a raging river to fight against the current.  Survival experts say it is better to relax so that you don’t become exhausted, place your feet out in front of you to protect yourself from harmful debris, and hope that you’re rescued.  While this might be valuable to know during the rainy season it should have nothing to do with the methods you are using to survive confrontations with your child.

The best way to ensure that you are never caught in a flash flood is to not be in its path when there is a risk of flash flood.  In the same way, the best way to avoid the fight that comes from the emotional spewings of a teenage temper tantrum is to take yourself out of the tantrums path.

When an argument is inevitable, when the hurricane argument warning flag is raised, when faces turn red, when tempers are rising, when that fight is coming that you know you must endure when you try to confront your child.  The moment that the first artillery shells of the “argument” are fired…… Walk away.   One of the most powerful things parents can know is that they have a choice whether to argue or not o argue.  If your child follows you like a heat seeking missile, nagging and provoking you towards the fight.  Warn them that there will be a short restriction if they continue, and WALK AWAY!

I have never met a parent who in the heat of an argument was able to convince their child that they were right or be convinced that their child is right, so what is the point of arguing?  There is no point.

Last night, in our Parent Project Class, we learned that there our five tips that parents should remember when they need to confront a strong-willed child, or any child for that matter:

1. Pick the right time- make sure you are calm enough to talk to your child and that your child is able to listen (They are sober, etc.)
2. Develop a plan or outline- Organize your thoughts, gather facts, predict outcomes, have a strategy for change
3. Choose a private, neutral location- Where is the best place for you AND your child to talk.
4. Get rid of interruptions- Make sure you are where there is the least chance of being distracted or interrupted.
5. Be ready for anything- Are you ready for anything? Prepare yourself in advance.

Knowing that you don’t have to argue, being willing to take a brief timeout for you and your child to “cool off,” and using ALL the tips above will set a new tone in your home when it is time to confront important issues!

Avoiding the flood with you,

Paul

…They see a get together with everyone who is anyone: a chance to expand social horizons. They see a do or die social gathering; those who aren’t there socially die, those who are there are magically accepted. Plus, it is their time to have fun. This is their chance, and YOU are the only sentient being who would dare stand in their way.

…You see a raging teenage-monitored beer fest where anything and everything goes. You see a home with parents out of town and an opportunity for your teenager to be in all kinds of dangerous situations. Situations, to your frustration, that they seem to care less about protecting themselves from!

Mom & Dad, while you may never be on the same page with your teenager, or vice versa, there are practical things that you can do to influence your child and help your intervention be relevant to your teenager.

In my last blog I talked about how vital it is to find ways to show affection to your children, and I laid out some guidelines for that affection. Many of the parents that I work with complain that their attempts at affection go unnoticed, are taken out of context, or that they receive “the opposite” of affection back from their child…

Being relevant means that the affection, boundaries, and expectations that you have for your teenager are received and followed, not necessarily welcomed. The point here is that you and your teen are not going to see things eye to eye. Therefore it is impractical for you to make your affection and boundaries dependent on your child’s reactions in any form or fashion. Instead, bring your parenting in to the realm where they are eye to eye with it. The most affective way for me to communicate with my 3 year old is not to maintain a command presence from 3 feet above his head and speak down to him. It is to kneel down so that I am eye to eye with him. That is how he receives things best. Our parenting; our communication of our affection, our boundaries, and our expectations must be at eye level with the maturity of our children.

The three practical tools that you can use so that your intervention is relevant and eye to eye with the maturity of your child are to show affection every day, to consistently give negative consequences, and consistently give positive consequences. We have already talked about showing affection every day. Positive consequences are when we tell a child they can do something they want to do when a desired action or behavior is completed. For instance, your child is addicted to their video game system and the dishes you asked for them to do are still not completed. You could tell them that they can play their video game when the dishes are done. If they refuse, read our blog on “teaspots”. Chances are, if they know you will follow through and will actually take away the video game if they don’t do it, then they are going to do the dishes. Negative consequences are when you take away everything they want or care about for a short period of time. Again, Daniel and I have written previous blogs on this subject so I am not going to go in to detail about it.

If you are doing these three things: showing affection, dishing positive consequences out, and utilizing the giving of positive consequences, then you have the building blocks of your ability to influence your child’s behavior effectively. What will make your newfound abilities fail or succeed is the degree to which you are consistent in the following areas:

1. Do it all the time. Give affection as much as possible while still maintaining sincerity in your child’s eyes. Give Negative consequences every time they are warranted. Use positive consequences every time an opportunity to use them presents themselves.
2. Don’t Argue- When you are giving consequences, positive or negative, give them and be done. If your child wants to have a war over it, don’t engage them, walk away, and let them know CALMLY that the positive or negative consequence will not begin until they comply with your wishes.
3. Don’t Give Up. In other words, DON’T GIVE UP!!!!!

You will only have credibility with your child if you follow through every time. You will only begin to influence them if you go as far as you need to go to assert your control of every THING in your home. It will only work if enforcement and boundaries are asserted neck and neck with your affection

Stay tuned…..

Exhausted with you,

Paul

When we want to build anything new, we have to make sure it is founded on sure footings.  For parents who may be trying to influence their strong-willed child to change positively, that sure footing is mandatory.  Without a sure footing, any work in your child’s life, any change you accomplish, and any progress you make is in jeopardy of coming tumbling down!  This last week , at our first of 10 Parent Project classes that Chris Suitt and I are teaching, we taught a group of brave parents how to lay that foundation.  We helped them take the first step towards revolutionizing their parenting approach to bring about positive change in their homes!

The first ingredient to  changing your home is love and affection.  It is my firm belief that the level of love and affecttion that we give a child at birth should be a starting place.  From there, the level of love and affection that we give our kids should steadily increase.  In other words, I believe our teenagers need just as much love, if not more, as they did when they were younger.  The problem is, the trend seems to be that as kids get older the love and affection they perceive decreases instead of increasing.  This means that as our teenagers are feeling more independent and starting to stretch towards adulthood, they might not be receiving affection , or perceiving affection from the place they need it most.  It also gets harder and harder for parents to continue showing affection because we all know how much our teenagers reciprocate and respond lovingly back to us.  Regardless of how are kids respond though, sincere love and affection that is consistently communicated to your teenager in a way they perceive, will give you tremendous leverage when the “winds of change” need to be in the air; and while the leverage that love and affection brings should never be the motive of our affection, the leverage becomes “icing on the cake”.

So how do we show love and affection consistently?  The most affective method is also the most “tried and true”.  Saying, “I love you,” every day, and saying it regardless of the gags, dirty looks, and “whatevers” you receive in return.  You can be as creative as you want.  The tangible ways that parents came-up with in our last class, ranged from cooking a favorite meal, to doing something with your teen that THEY like to do.  What can you come up with?

My next blog will deal with getting in to their heads and figuring out ways to perceive the world the way they do.

Until then, Take care!

Paul

What is the world thinking???  What societal conditions lead to this?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,325508,00.html

In Pennsylvania, the headlines are hitting on the salacious  fact that pornographic images have been spread to an unknown number of people.  Too many people to count  have the images; one depicting a teenage girl and boy engaging in sex, and one with a teenage girl valuing and respecting herself so much, that she spread her own”Girl gone wild” image of her bare breast.  Everyone is focusing on the minutia of whether the holders of these images will be prosecuted.  The dramatic teases are revolving around what the consequences will be, instead of  what they sadly, already are.  If we focus on the criminal nature of this incident and not the underlying reasons that this incident occurred in the first place, then our focus earns our American culture a big fat “F” in “responsibility”

It is irresponsible for us not to look in our cultural mirror an find out why we are not devastated that teenagers are having this kind of sex in the first place.  There it is!  The statement that has just polarized my readers!  You are either yelling , “Right on!” Or “Kids will be kids!”  Some of you are imagining me a fundamental moralist nut-job because after all, these kids  are expressing real urges inside of themselves that we as a society should help them embrace and help them be healthy….sexually.  (Excuse me while I re-swallow my breakfast that almost came back-up due to the nausea that the above position causes.)   Some of you are shaking your head sadly…. You know I am speaking the truth but again are resigned to the belief that there is no solution…

Ok fellow human beings, let’s press the collective reset button.  There,  that is much better.  Now let’s rebuild the foundations behind our beliefs on teenage sexuality.

1.  As a society, we agree that my 3 year old son is not ready to drive.  His little mind does not make good decisions, he does not have enough life experience, he can not reach the pedals, can’t see over the dash-board, and has no concept of the consequences that his driving decisions might cause.

2.  There exists a figurative stairway that represents steps to intimacy.  It is important to take those stairs step by step.  Letting each step mature and ripen (as opposed to leaping to the top and “bonking” our brains out casually)

3.  We agree that our teenagers are not ready to ensure that they safely climb the steps of intimacy.  We agree they are impulsive and rush the stairs and trip and hurt themselves in the process.  Their brains are still not fully developed to make the best decisions, they do not have enough life experience, their brains cannot reach the right pedals, they can not yet see over life’s dashboard, and they have a very limited concept of what consequences their decisions might cause….  Hmmm, sounds like my 3 year old trying to drive.

4.  Our society agrees that it is my job as a dad to make sure that my son is not behind the wheel of the family Ford.

5.  Our society needs to take action on the fact that it is also a parent’s job to ensure that their teen is not at “the controls” and “driving” something entirely different.  (Pun wholeheartedly intended)

Teaching morality to our children in the United States has been polarized around the question of one’s faith- choice. That is ludicrous. Morality doesn’t have to be based on faith, it can be based on good  old common sense. (Do human’s have that?  Hmmm, we’re so advanced that we still solve problems with war, people still starve, kids still die of the runs,  wow we have no common sense.  Oh well, that’s a blog for another day)

So, let’s pretend we have common sense and actually teach our children to grow-up before they bonk.  Hmmm, even the porn industry calls them “adult movies”

Hey, would we need an HPV vaccine if people had sex responsibly?  Sorry, again another blog for another day.

Parents step-up! Humans, let’s fight for the health of our children by being examples, by being responsible parents, and by truly taking control of influencing our children with all the tools and power we have in their lives.

Hey teenagers in Pennsylvania who are bonking out of control.  What you were doing was wrong.  Wow, how unbelievably “not-politically-correct” of me .  Hey those who are distributing the pictures, you are wrong too, but you never should have had a video to take in the first place.

Parents if you want to know how to fix this, call me up or respond to this blog.  I don’t vent without having solutions

Love,

Pastor Paul

The most common of abused illicit drugs Marijuana comes in many grades that are given street designations based on quality. For instance around here, your standard good street weed is called chronic and you low grade stuff is called slag or shwag.

DETECTION:

EYES: (Usually normal, Possibly slightly Dilated, Will look red and irritated. Kids use Visine to correct this.)Holding your index finger upright approx. 6 inches from you child’s nose, ask them to track your finger with their eyes, without moving their head. watch their eyes for smooth movements. If your child’s eyes bounce, do not track smoothly or together they might be on “stoned”. You can also try putting their eyes under indirect light. If their pupils seem to be “breathing” they have almost most definitely been smoking weed in the last 24 hours.

PULSE/BLOOD PRESSURE: Abnormally High (Normal Pulse 60-90 BPM, Normal Respiration 12-20 Per Min.)

BODY TEMPERATURE: Near Normal

Other signs:

Body Tremors, Debris in Mouth, Sweet yet pungent odor, Relaxed inhibitions, Impaired Time Perception (A good tool is to make them close their eyes and estimate 30 seconds. If they are more than 8 seconds off their is a good chance that they are under the influence), Impaired distance perception, Inability to Cross Eyes.

If these signs are present it is time to use a secondary method of detection to be sure. False Positives and negatives will occur if you just rely on the above effects and can damage your credibility with your child. We use the iCup 10-panel urine Test available from Test Country.com

I always teach the parents that I coach to make sure that they are using all their senses when it comes to monitoring whether their teenager is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. First and foremost, give your child a hug when they come in from a night out on the town. A hug is a great time to smell their clothes and breath, to get a good look at their eyes, to do a close-up “parental” inventory of your child. Make sure you take special care to notice cover-ups like mints in the mouth heavy perfume/cologne, and clothing that has been changed. You can also smell their hands etc. The moment they walk in the door you can start looking for clues as to their sobriety. Make sure you engage them in a conversation that is long enough to know whether they have their faculties or not. When these preliminary checks are not enough though, parents need to have some more tools in their arsenal. I am using this blog to introduce the next 7 blogs here I will give basic information for detecting 7 of the most widely abused illicit drugs. As always, it is one thing to be able to detect substance abuse, it is another thing to have a plan in place that will successfully intervene in your child’s life if they are “using.” Make sure that you have an overall parenting plan that is airtight. If you are not sure that yours is, and very few people are, you need to find a parenting class. There is no better parenting curriculum than Parent Project. I have used many parenting systems and have not seen one that is better. go to www.parentproject.com for more information.

Parents concentrate on having power sometimes when it should be their last priority.  I was talking to a parent recently who shared with me that no matter what she did, how much she tried, or what trick she used, she couldn’t get her son to do what he wanted.  I had a conversation with her son.  He claimed that he might do “stuff” if he could do it right.  He continued to explain that he doesn’t like to do anything for his mom because she always finds something wrong with everything that he ever does.

After mulling over what I had heard from both mom and son, I scheduled another meeting with her.  It was at that meeting that I asked mom, “When is the last time you complimented your son about anything?”  She thought for a second and her answer was very telling. She said, “My son knows that I love him.”  I assured her that there was no need to get defensive (because she was) and that we would explore some ways to make sure that her love for her son is being communicated to him in a way that encourages him to make good choices.

As parents, we can’t assume to know how much love and support our kids are receiving.  We can only make sure that their “tanks” are always topped-off.  We can only ensure they have all the love and support that they need by giving it to them.

AFFECTION

As our children enter puberty they start experiencing things through an adolescent filter that helps them act impulsively, exaggerate reality, and think and act in absolutes.  Chances are our teenagers need reminders that they are loved even more than they did as younger children.  Parents need to make sure that they show affection regularly and that their affection is genuine.  Teenagers will recognize a half hearted attempt or affection giving that simply rises to the level of flattery at best.  Get creative as you come-up with ways to love your child and don’t expect anything back.  Teenagers are extremely selfish and immature.  It is on us, the parents, to give them a mature model of selfless love that they can attempt to emulate.  When you show affection to your teenager, keeping their affection tanks “topped off” will increase your child’s self esteem and the level of trust that your child has for you, especially when you need to discipline your child.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

When your child does anything good, praise them for it.  Why? Because you want them to do it again!  Many parents have a hard time with this advice until they try it.  Our teenagers may act like they don’t care what we think; they may seem distant when we try to get close to them, but trust me, they will eat your praise up!  Not only does this help them want to do the right thing, it helps them see the difference between making good choices and making the wrong choices.

When parents use a combination of positive reinforcement and affection to positively reinforce their teenager, they set a course for parental success.  As part of a sound parenting plan, affection, and positive reinforcement can be the most important foundation that parents lay down for their child.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic and choices” 

“Early one mornin’ while makin’ the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin’ .44 beneath my headGot up next mornin’ and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico”

These are the latest lyrics from rapper “fifty cent” and this song is probably playing on your child’s iPod right now. The question I have for you is: Are you o.k. with lyrics like these being pumped into your child’s brain? I would submit that you probably aren’t. So what can we do? I would suggest that you go find your child’s iPod or C.D., place it under the front tire of your car and drive forward and backwards as man times as it takes to “drive” home YOUR point. Let’s show our kids that despite our lack of reasons, despite our lack of really knowing anything about the music that our kids are passionate about. We are in charge.

O.K. so I lied- Those lyrics are not “50 cent” at all. In fact they were written by an American icon you might know of as “The Man in Black”. Yes Johnny Cash wrote those lyrics in a song called “Cocaine Blues”. So why did I get you all excited and on your high horse, ready to start breaking iPod’s and c.d’s. I wanted to make the point that there has, and will always be songs with questionable content. There is always going to be influential material out there waiting to impact your kid. Do we freak out and lose our point with a “because I said so” or do we take the time to form an opinion based on something real?

My parents in my opinion did almost everything right when it came to parenting my brother and I. The only area that I feel that they fell a little short was with music. In 4^th grade I was all about Guns n’ Roses and my mom forbade me to listen. All the 6^th graders were into it and of course I was intrigued. Even at that age the more my mom said no, the more I wanted to listen. In the 6^th grade it was Red Hot Chili Peppers and again I was not allowed to partake. I must have gotten lucky though, when I found a tape of “Blood,Sugar,Sex,Magic” down by the lake close to where I grew up. My friend and I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to listen. I still remember listening to the song “Under the bridge” for the first time. That must have been the “Magic” in the album title because I was blown away. That song meant more to me than any other song ever had. We proceeded to listen to that song a good 12 times that night. This album came out during the time when the Chili Peppers were all strung out on heroin and were not the positive people they are now. From the perspective of right and wrong I probably shouldn’t have been listening to them. They were not the right example for a kid to look to. But I knew that my mom didn’t have any reason other than what she saw in one awards speech for me not to listen. She didn’t know their music, she didn’t know that particular song and how amazing that it really was. I justified my behavior by telling my self that her reasons just weren’t good enough. I am a parent today and I still stand by how I felt then. We as parents need to realize that our kids have an inner desire to be passionate about something. Music will always be a part of that and if we take away that outlet we are in danger of shutting down the whole creative circuit. I am not saying that we should let our kids run wild with no boundaries.  I am all about saying “NO” (read my other blog entitled “NO”). But I feel that there are something’s in life that are worth explaining. If we do the whole “because I said so” thing and don’t have anything to back that up, we shut ourselves off from our kids on a very important level. My mom did the right thing and decided to grow with me as I grew, particularly in to middle school when it was all about Pearl

When parents argue with their teenagers, they decapitate their parental heads! I understand as a parent, the need to feel like you have the upper hand; the urge to feel like you can make your child listen. When teenagers become rebellious or defiant, when they are yelling, it is hard to resist the emotional surge inside that says, “Yell Back!” And isn’t it amazing how intuitive teenagers seem to be when it comes to finding that button to push that brings all your emotions, all at once!

As parents we have to understand that being right won’t affect your teenager in the heat of an argument. Try this: the next time you don’t give your child what they want and they start to fling emotional outbursts your way (like a monkey at the zoo flings pooh); calmly give them the logical explanation for your decision. I’m sure that will be all they need! I’m sure they will say, “I’m so sorry mom, I’m so sorry dad, if I had known that you had a logical reason behind not letting me have my way, I wouldn’t have gotten upset.” (Sarcasm in italics!)

Remember, the minute you say, “No!” you are intolerable and teenagers will begin the power play! (See Daniel Myre’s blog entitled “No!”) So when you begin to hold the line with your child you have to learn to cut the argument off right at its beginning. You do not have to argue with your child. Yes, I’m serious! Granted, it will take some mental preparation. You need to be prepared for all the “poo flinging” that is about to take place, you need to be prepared to use all the things in your house to influence your child and as tools to hold the line. You need to be willing to take everything your child cares about away, short-term, and simply state, “the way it is.” Here is an example: a son wants to have his girlfriend over to the house in the afternoon on a school day. (something huge in his mind, something he has been dwelling on, something he really wants) his mother says , “No.” It’s on!

You all know what happens next! The son blows-up and starts pushing every button he can find. He is gearing-up for war; he has all his artillery lined-up. He’s calling-in teenage emotional air-strikes! What in heaven’s name should you do in response?

Nothing. Again, yes I’m serious. We have to remember that our teenagers are extremely selfish. In addition they don’t have the emotional maturity to “give a rip” about a parent’s logic, and they definitely don’t have the foresight to see where your logic leads. So use this recipe to never argue again:

1. Clearly communicate all your house rules
2. When you make a decision for your child, or place a boundary in their life, simply state it.
3. If your child goes to war, walk away. Simply state that when they are ready to talk about it calmly you’ll be ready to talk. WALK AWAY, Make them come to you.
4. Dole-out appropriate consequences for any broken rules while they are in their tirade.
5. HOLD THE LINE!

In the previous blog, Reconnecting with Teenagers: Youth Perspectives, we just started to “scratch the surface” of all the factors that can distort our teenagers’ perspectives of reality. As a parent, how do you overcome this? First you have to be a wise communicator. A wise communicator takes in to consideration, all of the factors that might influence how well their message is going to be sent and how well it is going to be received. You wouldn’t take a porcelain doll, put it in box without any packing material, and send it regular mail without any instructions. The doll would be shattered when it reached its destination. The messages that we send our teenagers are just as precious and equally as fragile. They require special handling! I recommend that you pick a time when your child is the least distracted and the most awake. Open the dialogue with a calm non-confrontational manner. Simply state what you want to say, and give your child time to give appropriate feedback. If it is inappropriate, the conversation is over, don’t engage your child, you will not get what you want. The other key to this working is communicating this way a lot! If your child is used to discussing things instead of fighting over them, this can become the norm. Allowing your child to give you feedback also helps them take ownership of the conversation. You might try asking your child to give you possible solutions to the issue at hand, “Son, my job is to be a good parent and help you make wise decisions for the future…to keep you from making choices that might harm you in the future, when you ditched school, you put me in a position of having to decide what consequences are necessary to teach you that school is extremely important in life…what do you suggest I do?” While this is just an example, this calm approach, hand in hand, with a dialed in parenting plan (GO TO PARENT PROJECT.COM!) will eventually get you what you want! Parents have to keep their eye on the goal instead of the battle at hand. When parents care more about having the upper-hand in an argument, proving their child wrong, or having the louder voice, they render their credibility as a parent impotent in their child’s eyes. Don’t argue with your child, it solves nothing. The goal is to state what is, hold that line, and win the war no matter how tiring it might get!